Friday, January 15, 2010


I wish I could tell you that I had the most fantastic Friday.

I wish I could tell you that I received nothing but good news and warm feelings all day.

I wish I could tell you that my heart is optimistic and my mind is at ease.

But sadly, I can not.

I need to be honest because I feel that if I don't start to let out some steam, I will explode!

Truth be told, I am broken inside.  The past few months of my life have been some of the most painful, stressful, difficult and most debilitating ones I have ever experienced. I really have been trying to maintain the most positive attitude throughout it all, but there comes a point when you just want to stop and let it out.  So please forgive me, but I need to let a little out!

Today, I had another doctor's appointment (with the mouth doc).  I discovered that I will need ANOTHER surgery!  Apparently, there is residual debree leftover in my lower gum that needs to be drained because the infection will not clear with it there. Not to say that this surgery is going to be anywhere near as complicated or painful as the last one, but it's just not something I wanted to hear.  He also gave me the wonderful news that I am no where NEAR being done with the antibiotics.  At least another 8-10 weeks but probably longer with another surgery.

So let me recap….

In the past 7 months I have

  • Been through the worst wisdom teeth surgery known to man that left me with a serious bacterial infection and paralyzation on my face
  • Seen 6 different doctors on numerous occasions for numerous different problems, including a 2 hour commute to the University of MD to see a cancer specialist when they couldn't figure out what the hell was going on with me
  • Have been through 2 and now 3 mouth surgeries
  • Encountered multiple allergic reactions to 4 different antibiotics
  • Developed Colitis from being on the antibiotics
  • Am currently being diagnosed with what is believed to be Crohn's Disease
  • Have been dealing with the worst pain, discomfort and embarrassing stomach issues
  • Have had several tests (ones that I never wish to speak of) done and lots of blood work
  • Will be having a colonoscopy in a few weeks 
  • And ultimately have feel tired, depressed, constantly sick and overwhelmed every single day 

So there you have it.  Me, being entirely honest.

I am sorry if I sound cynical and despairing, but I can't tell you how good it feels to get this off my chest.

Aside from my little rant, I must confess that I do know it's all going to be okay.  I do have faith that I will get through this and be stronger because of it.  I do know that life is never predictable and that I have so many blessings to be thankful for.

I kind of feel bad for sounding this way when I know that there are millions of others who are suffering so much more than I will ever understand.  Like the people in Haiti, or the children at St. Judes who we donate to each month, or the man who works in my department who has been diagnosed with terminal cancer.  It really makes my problems appear so trivial in prospective.  But I think when go so long putting on an optimistic face when you are actually hurting inside, it becomes exhausting and you just need to breath.

Thank you so much for letting me breath tonight.  I needed this so badly.

Okay, I won't bore you with any more words, I'll just let the images do the speaking…..

Dinner last night….

BBQ Tofu Cobb Salad with Beer bread Croutons

Breakfast this morning….

Natures Path Pumpkin Raisin Bran with Banana, Blueberries, Flax and Pumpkin Yogurt

Dinner tonight….

Sweet Potato Pancakes over wilted spinach topped with applesauce, stewed cinnamon pear, cranberry chutney, dijon and okios with roasted maple brussles with cranberries and goat cheese

I realize this may sound quite eclectic and it is I suppose, but I assure you, it was delicious! 

The sweet potato pancakes were a Dr. Praeger's creation.  Love the veggie burgers and love these as well.  This doctor is one that is providing some promising things in my life.

I really hope I didn't bring you down with my dismal post tonight.

Life is good and I will always believe that the glass stands 100% full; however, there are just some days, when you need that glass to be full of something a bit stronger than water. ;)

Night everyone!



  1. Girl! DO NOT apologize! You have been through a lot and the frustration is MORE than understood. <3 ya! stewed cinnamon pear? Oh my gosh- amazingness you really can't eat for like 24 hours before the surgery. My doctor requested I stop two nights prior after dinner. You can drink clear liquids, so you can have broth, jello, gatorade (except red). Its a little tough...but you can do it!

  2. I agree with Erica, no apologizes needed. We are all friends here and that's what friends are for.

    Sending you BIG HUGE hugs, and lots of healing healthy vibes as well!!

    xo Jessica

  3. i'm so sorry lauren :( you WILL get through this! stay strong

  4. sweetie, i am SO SORRY you're going through all of this. no need for YOU to apologize. i've been there, and letting yourself feel the frustration is helpful. being honest is key.

  5. (((Lauren)))

    Can I just say how amazing you are? That is SO much to have happen in such a short amount of time, and you constantly amaze me with your attitude and positivity, even when things are tough.

    I'm so sorry to hear that you'll have to have another surgery and that this isn't close to being over, but don't feel bad for getting it out :) Just speaking/writing the words is enough sometimes - we just need to get all of those feelings out of us to really process them and move on.

    I hope that things can finally be figured out, fixed correctly, and that the doctors will have wisdom, understanding, and patience in all they do for you.

    and i just loved this:
    "Life is good and I will always believe that the glass stands 100% full; however, there are just some days, when you need that glass to be full of something a bit stronger than water" :)

  6. Oh, girlie. You are sure dealing with a lot. I'm glad you let it out and hope you feel comfortable to do it more often. You will be OK, even if it seems far from now. Know many people are sending you positive thoughts. Take care.

    P.S. I want to find Dr. P's sweet potato pancakes - holy yum!

    - The Nutrition Nut

  7. Wow, that's tough girl! Don't apologize for ranting, it's much needed!! You will get through this!! I know I've told you this before, but your attitude is amazing! Keep the faith girl! God is always there for you! I am sending hugs and prayers your way!

  8. Oh Lauren. Glad you got it out, and let it out of your system. It's even worse to keep everything inside and pretend things are okay. You've let it out, and we've heard it, and now I'm reminded to keep you closer in my prayers.

    *HUGS* you've really been through a lot more than the average person, Lauren...and yet, you're still so much more beautiful and strong than a lot of other better-off people than I know!

  9. you are not wrong AT ALL for letting all that frustration out.. i feel awful for all you are going through and hope you are able to stay strong & get through it- i know you will!! ugh, it will be better soon ... wishing you the best & thinking of you!

  10. i am a firm believer in never apologizing for speaking the truth. i am so glad you have an outlet to get that stuff off your chest because it can just eat away at you, and that is NOT good! i am sending you so much love, prayers and good wishes. life can get tough, but the fact you are facing it head on with such a good attitude is refreshing, admirable and makes me love you even more. hang in there girl - its times like these when the tide decides to turn...


  11. Girl do not even worry about apologizing! This is your blog so you can talk about whatever is on your mind. Plus you are going through all this stuff and it has to be frustrating at times. Let it all out! Part of why we blog is because it's theraputic right? Go girl and "say what you need to say"! No one here is going to mind. :D

  12. I agree with Andrea ... say what you need to say!! We all need to vent and you have been through A LOT the past few months and I'm sure it seems like even longer. I know you'll be all right though, because of your still positive attitude and belief that everything will STILL be all right. And you're right, it will!! But it's so hard to go through the process. I'll continue to pray for you that this time will be gone before you expect it to be! :) We love you, Lauren!

  13. Lauren, much love to you!!!

    Please do not apologize for anything you are feeling, it is completely understandable and in my opinion actually healthy. It is good to get the frustration/sadness/anxiety out and in the open. Without doing so, it can just eat one up inside.

    Always hear to listen and support!!! XO

  14. Stay strong, Lauren! There's a reason for everything and while it may not be apparent (or make any sense at all), you will survive this and be a stronger woman after everything is over and done with.

    Don't feel guilty for reaching out for support. That's why we are here.

    I want to try those Dr. Praegers! I love their veggie burgers.

  15. My heart goes out to you right now girl. That is a lot to have to deal with, and I think you have been crazy good at keeping a positive attitude on this blog in spite of it. And I definitely agree that sometimes you just need to let it all out - negative thoughts and complaints - in order to start to move past it.

    By the way, I love that you still made a crack about Dr. Praeger bringing good news. :)

  16. Lauren, my heart aches for you! You have been through so much and a person has their limits. Rant/vent/do whatever you need!! I wish I could snap my fingers and make everything better for you :( Hang in there! I'll be sending you lots of positive vibes! Dr. P will always have the perfect perscription!

  17. aw Mama!!! i hate to see you upset!! You are so beautiful, and it makes me so sad to hear of your pain. I've had similar frustrating experiences with seeing 6 plus doctors and being put on steroids, getting injections into my feet, driving long distances for 2nd opinions, trying a million different treatments, etc, for a foot injury (while skating) I sort of know how you feel...but man, that's hard!! At least you are preventing what could become a worse problem by getting out the debree, and at least you know you have been through the worst and it won't be nearly as bad!! Chin up mama!! I know it sucks being on antibiotics, but don't think about it and 8-10 weeks will fly on by!!

    Be kind to yourself too! You are healing and need to give yourself a break!!

    Vent any time, Lauren! We will always be here for you!!

    I adore you!!!

  18. Lauren, I appreciate your honesty so much. You can vent anytime you want, even if you think there are people with problems worse than yours--yours still matter! I am here for you anyway that you need. It makes me sad to see you going through such things, but I know you are so strong, and you have so much support. So sometimes when it just feels like too much, you've got shoulders to lean on :)

    Your eats look AMAZING!!! They sound amazing! You and Toly are lucky hahaha. You have so much creativity in the kitchen. Let that creativity flourish ;)

    XOXO hope your weekend was relaxing my love

  19. Lauren-
    I have visited your blog a few times, but this post really made me want to write something (not that all your other posts don't). I wanted to say that you are an incredibly strong person for having to deal with all this. You have EVERY right to be frusterated and upset. You don't sound cynical at all-you sound realistic. I am so sorry that you have gone through this for the past 7 month. It must be dreadful! You will get through this, and I think you are very brave and way stronger than I would be to still be blogging and keeping a positive attitutde for this long. Yes, there are horrible things going on in the world, but this is happening to you, and you have every right to feel the way you do. I hope you find out what is causing all this soon and that you have peace through out all of your future surgeries and doc appt's. Keep your spirits up! On a brighter note-your eats look delicious!

  20. Hi Lauren,

    I'm new to your blog (love it!) So sorry to hear about what you are going through. I, too, have complicated and embarrassing stomach/digestive issues that doesn't seem to have a name yet. My symptoms have been on and off all of my life, but in recent years have gotten progressively worse. Have you been tested for Celiac disease (gluten allergy)? I had the blood test, which was negative, but haven't had the endoscopy yet, which is the "gold standard" of testing. It's so frustrating having symptoms and feeling so lousy and exhausted 90% of the time, especially when your stomach acts up and you have life to live. Ugh!

    The gastroenterologist that I saw in Atlanta advised me to go on a gluten free diet even if I'm not a Celiac, she said that some people are intolerant and the symptoms go away. I haven't done that yet, I'd like to be tested for everything and anything first. So frustrating!

    I hope you find the answers you are searching for. You seem to be handling it all very well! Hang in there, one day at a time.

    All the best,

  21. oh, sweet girl, my heart is breaking for you. LET IT OUT! that is what we are here for and your blog should be a place to come and vent. i would be pretty ticked, too! i know that it doesn't change things but i hope typing this post did ease your stress just a tad :) <3 you